


I'll Find A Way To See You Again.

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Drinking, Gen, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-22
Packaged: 2017-12-08 19:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He died in my arms. You know that? He was fine. He was fine and now we have to carry on as though nothing happened. We have to move on.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The moment Enjolras’ hand slipped from Grantaire’s he began to panic. The crowd pushed him forward as he turned frantically trying to spot him. He reached out to no one as he was moved forward. He shouted for him but no one could hear anything over the noise of the others. Enjolras coughed, someone must have elbowed him, winded him. He tried to move away from the crowd, thinking it would be easier to find Grantaire if he was away from the mass of people. He clutched his side as a stitch began to form and moved sideways to the grassy hill. He coughed again and wiped his face before reaching for his phone. He looked at the screen and tried to focus on dialling Grantaire’s number, he coughed again; his eyes unfocused on the screen. He gasped for breath as the stitch became worse. He looked around and spotted Grantaire. Smiling at the sight he raised a hand to him before groaning in pain and falling down on one knee onto the grass. Grantaire broke into a run toward him, catching him before he landed completely.

“Enjolras, Enjolras what happened?”

Enjolras gasped for breath as people began to crowd around them, he looked at Grantaire and grabbed his arm. He opened his mouth to say something but could only cry out in pain

“Shhh Shhh Shhh, its okay just breathe…just breathe.”

Grantaire lowered Enjolras to the ground and lifted his head onto his lap, the commotion of the crowd faded as the people around them began to panic. He heard someone yelling for an ambulance and wondered what had happened. Grantaire was pressing against his chest and whispering words to him,

“You’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. I promise.”

Enjolras smiled at him and coughed again, he lifted his arm and touched Grantaire’s face,

“My…sweet….”

He shut his eyes to focus on the words as everything went quiet.

 

Grantaire still had the blood on him when the police left him alone. He looked down at the scarf in his hands and sniffed, having no tears left to cry. He sat in the waiting room for a while longer. He’d given the doctor a number for his friends, they were on their way apparently. He couldn't keep his mind on them and just stared straight ahead at the wall in front,

“Grantaire?”

He looked up to see Courfeyrac; his face red from crying.

“You came.”

Courfeyrac sat down and pulled Grantaire into a hug. Grantaire didn’t move, didn’t return the hug. Just kept staring at the wall.

“The others are on their way.”

“There’s no need. Not like he’s in there waiting for them to get here.”

Courfeyrac pulled away and looked at the ground before pressing a hand to his eyes and sobbing.

“They said he was stabbed. Someone obviously had a knife on them and just….he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Can you believe that? Just…”

Grantaire shrugged,

“Gone. Just like that. He was fine and now he’s…..gone.”

“Grantaire please.”

“What? It’s true. He’s gone. Just gone. He’s nothing now. Just a body on a table somewhere waiting to be cut open.”

“Grantaire stop it.”

“Why? Don’t you want all the information to take back to them?"

Courfeyrac didn't answer him, Grantaire sighed,

"His lung collapsed. He couldn’t breathe. He drowned in his own blood. That’s what happens right? When your lungs collapse.”

Courfeyrac looked at Grantaire in shock before looking at the ground once more and sniffing hard as more tears came.

“Grantaire he’s just died. Have some respect.”

Grantaire looked at him,

“He died in my arms. You know that? He was fine. He was fine and now we have to carry on as though nothing happened. We have to move on.”

Grantaire stood up,

“He’s dead Courfeyrac. Deal with it.”

Courfeyrac reached for his hand but missed. Grantaire balled the scarf in his hand and walked from the hospital.

 

Coughing as he lit another cigarette; Grantaire reached for the nearly empty bottle and pulled it toward himself. He had no idea what time it was, or even what day it was. He sat on the floor beside his sofa and blew smoke into the air before downing the rest of the vodka. Wincing slightly he threw the empty bottle across the floor and watched it roll toward the door. A foot landed on it and he smiled before taking another drag,

“You come to check up on me?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Why not?”

“You’re gonna kill yourself.”

Grantaire shrugged,

“S’better than the alternative.”

“Better than living a full life?”

Grantaire pointed at the person and chuckled,

“Funny.”

He took a deep drag and reached behind himself for his rucksack. He pulled it to the floor with a thump and unzipped it. He sighed as he pulled out another bottle of booze and opened it. Taking a gulp he coughed.

“Stop it Grantaire.”

“Why don’t you make me stop? Hmm?”

The person looked at him for a moment,

“That’s what I thought. Go on bugger off and leave me be.”

Grantaire finished his cigarette in silence before stubbing it out in the overfilling ashtray and taking another drink. He pulled his knees to his chest and sniffed as his lip wobbled. He wiped his eyes angrily and stared at the wall before him.

“It’s not like I’m enjoying myself you know. I don’t exactly enjoy this feeling.”

A tear fell from his eye and he looked up at the person,

“What do you care anyway? Just leave me here.”

“I care about you.”

“You shouldn’t. You should be off enjoying yourself not…hanging around here with a drunk.”

Grantaire let his legs slide back down to the floor and rested his head on the sofa,

“I never dreamed it would wind up like this. Stuck in this place with only you for company.”

“I like your company.”

“And I like my whiskey. We’re all happy.”

He picked up his bottle again as the person sat beside him. Grantaire shook his head as the liquor burned its way down his throat.

“You need to sleep.”

“I don’t want to sleep. Too many dreams.”

“What if I sleep with you? Would you sleep then?”

Grantaire shrugged and took another drink.

“Come on then, rest your head here and we’ll sleep.”

“You won’t leave?”

“I won’t leave.”

Grantaire put the bottle down and shut his eyes before resting his head on the shoulder of the person next to him.

“I fucking miss you Enjolras.”

He felt a soft kiss being pressed to his forehead before sleep overtook him, just before he went completely he heard Enjolras whisper back,

“I miss you too.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

The water pounded on Grantaire’s back. He braced one hand against the wall and dropped his head.

"I always liked you in water."

Grantaire smiled and lifted his head so the water covered his face. He turned his head to the voice and chuckled,

"Strange. It was you that always seemed so at home in it."

"Mmm but you were the better view."

"That's a lie."

Grantaire laughed and looked at the wall again. He shut his eyes and focused on the feeling of fingers on his waist.

"I always loved having you in the shower."

Grantaire shuddered slightly. His breath hitching at the feel of fingers around his dick.

"I love you, you know that?"

"Shhh I got you."

Grantaire bit his lip and thrust slightly into the feel of the hand around him. He moaned at the touch and let them touch him until he was shaking and coming with a cry. He kept his eyes shut as he cleaned himself. Not wanting to open them and see that he was alone in the shower; not wanting to see that it was his own hand that he was using. Not wanting to see that Enjolras was no longer there. Same as he had been every day. Same as he had been for the last five months.

 

"Grantaire you in?"

Another knock.

"Grantaire open the door. Come on."

Grantaire looked up from his bottle and met Enjolras' eye.

"You gonna get that?"

Grantaire drained the last of the whiskey and walked to the door. He threw a look back to the table to see it empty and sighed before opening the door to his friends.

"Where the hell have you been Grantaire?"

"Here. Over there. What do you want?"

Courfeyrac sighed heavily and lifted the box in his arms.

"We have some of his things. From the apartment. Most of his stuff went to his family...but we thought you'd want this lot."

Grantaire stared at him blankly before turning away,

"Now's not really a good time. I have stuff to do."

He moved to close the door when Combeferre put his arm against it,

"Let go of the door."

"What is wrong with you Grantaire? We don't see you anymore, you never answer us. You missed his funeral."

"Why would I go to his funeral?"

They looked at him in shock,

"Because he was your boyfriend? Because you loved him? Because you have to say goodbye."

"Boyfriend? That doesn't even begin to cover it."

"Grantaire you need to talk to someone."

"I don't want to talk to anyone."

He started to turn away then looked back,

"Actually no that's a lie, I do want to talk to someone but I can't. Because the one person I want to talk to was fucking murdered."

Combeferre dropped his eyes to the floor before looking back at Grantaire,

"Grantaire talk to us."

"I. Don't. Want. To."

"Why not?"

Grantaire looked at him then turned his back and walked to the kitchen.

"Grantaire are you listening--"

Combeferre stopped as he looked around the apartment. Bottles lay everywhere, mixed with unread newspapers and magazines. Combeferre looked at Grantaire properly, his clothes were suddenly two sizes too big and he shivered slightly as he stood barefoot in the kitchen,

"Grantaire what have you been doing to yourself?"

"Can you guys just go please? I have work to do."

Courfeyrac put the box on the table and stepped away,

"Grantaire you need help. You're not dealing with this."

Grantaire opened a bottle of beer and took a gulp.

"I'm dealing fine thank you. You gave me the box you can leave."

"Grantaire you need to listen to us. Please. He's been gone for months. You need help."

Combeferre put a hand on Grantaire’s shoulder,

"You don't know shit about what I need."

"What would Enjolras say if he could see you like this huh?"

"Don't talk to me about him."

"Grantaire."

"Why are you here?"

Courfeyrac ran a hand through his hair,

"We wanna help you. You're so....sad."

Courfeyrac looked from Combeferre to Grantaire,

"Grantaire please talk to us."

"No."

Combeferre sighed,

"Why not?"

Grantaire looked at them and breathed heavily,

"Why not Grantaire?"

"Because I hate you."

The two snapped back in shock,

"I hate you. I hate you for convincing him to go to that stupid protest. I hate you for making him think that he could make a fucking difference. I hate you because you're the reason he's dead."

The two men watched him in silence. Grantaire shook his head and took another drink.

"Just get out okay? I don't need you here, I don't want you here. I'm fine."

He pushed them from the apartment and locked the door. Grabbing the beer bottle he downed the rest in one go and returned to the table. He flipped the box open and looked inside. A few shirts lay folded at the bottom, as well as a book of poetry and a diary. Some letters and photos were tied together and mixed with some CDs. Grantaire picked up one of the shirts and bought it to his nose. He took a deep breath and gasped. His legs gave out as he collapsed to the floor in tears. He cried out for Enjolras and rocked back and forth slowly, gripping the shirt to himself.

"Please come back. Please. I need you please."

 

"You gave me that shirt."

Grantaire smiled as he opened another bottle. He offered it to Enjolras, who shook his head,

"I remember. Never saw you wear it though."

"I wore it. I sleep in it. It smells like you."

Grantaire looked down at the shirt in his lap,

"Smells like you now."

Enjolras watched him,

"You need to smile more. I miss your smile."

"I can't. Not without you. I want you here."

"I'm here when you need me."

"It's not enough."

"I can't be here forever."

Grantaire looked at him as a tear fell from his eye.

"I miss you so much. God I miss you so much. It's not getting better. They said it would get better."

Enjolras smiled at him,

"It will. But you need to be patient."

"I want to see you."

"I'm here."

"You know what I mean."

"Grantaire. We will be together one day but it's not going to be for a long time. You need to be strong."

"I'm not strong without you."

"Yes you are."

"Why can't I be with you now?"

"Because you need to live, and love, and be happy."

"I don't want to. I want to be with you."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Think about it."

Grantaire looked down at the ground before opening his mouth and looking up again. The room was empty once more. He covered his face with his hands and wept quietly.

 

Grantaire sat on the sofa and watched the window. He shut his eyes for a moment and willed Enjolras to him. As he felt the phantom fingers in his hair he smiled faintly.

"You seem so quiet now."

Grantaire leaned into the touch, ignoring the tear that trickled down his face.

"I only want to talk to you."

"I miss you Grantaire."

"Oh god I miss you too."

"Grantaire?"

His eyes flew open at the voice and he turned around. Eponine stood in the doorway watching him. Grantaire jumped up and wiped his eyes,

"What do you want?"

"Who are you talking to?"

Grantaire looked around and shrugged.

"Why are you here?"

Eponine stood wringing her fingers,

"We miss you. Can you come to the cafe? Please. We just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine Eponine. Just go back and tell them to stop worrying about me."

Eponine looked around Grantaire’s apartment then glanced at the bottle of whiskey in his hand,

"Grantaire who were you talking to?"

"I wasn't talking."

"You were...was it...were you talking to him?"

Grantaire took a gulp of whiskey and turned away,

"It's okay. I do it too."

Grantaire sneered at her and walked to the kitchen,

"Grantaire talk to me."

"No. Go away."

"Grantaire...."

"Please go away."

Eponine walked over to him and touched his arm; he yanked it away and stepped back.

"Grantaire please. Don't be like this. I want to help you."

"I don't want your help. Just fuck off."

Eponine stepped back and nodded.

"I'm not giving up on you. I will not watch you die as well."

"As well? You didn't watch him die Eponine. NONE OF YOU WATCHED HIM DIE. You come here trying to make yourself feel better about helping me. I don't want your goddamn help why can't you understand that?"

He threw the bottle on the floor where is shattered. Eponine gasped and jumped back.

"You think you can come here and tell me what to do? You think I give a shit about what you think or what you want? I couldn't give a flying fuck. You wanna know what I want? I want you gone. From my house, from my life. Just fuck off."

Eponine turned as she began to cry and made for the door.

"You tell them. You tell them that if they come here again I will kill them myself."

He heard Eponine leave and opened the cupboard to get a new bottle,

"That wasn't nice Grantaire."

"The fuck do you know? You're not even here."

"I'm here when you need me."

"I NEED YOU NOW. I'VE NEEDED YOU FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS."

He dropped down onto a chair and opened his new bottle of whiskey. He took a deep drink and looked at Enjolras.

"I need to be with you. I need it Enjolras."

"I'm dead Grantaire. You know that."

"Yeah?"

He stood up and raised his bottle.

"Well so am I."

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Graphic discussion of suicide. It could be triggering I guess and I felt I should warn you all before reading it.

_"You've reached Enjolras. I can't take your call right now but leave a message and I’ll call you back. And if this is Grantaire: stop prank calling me and get back to work. Thanks."_

 

Grantaire hung up the phone before dialling again and listening to the message for the tenth time.

"You need to get up."

"I can't."

"Grantaire this isn't healthy."

"I think your being here proves that."

"You need to move on."

"No."

He dialled the number again and pressed the phone to his ear.

"Grantaire it's not real."

"I need to hear your voice."

"I'm not going to answer."

"I need to hear it."

"Grantaire stop. Stop this. It's been months. You haven't even left the house in weeks."

"I need to hear you. I just need to hear you."

"Grantaire."

Grantaire sat up slowly; he wiped his face and looked over to the table where his record player sat. He walked over shakily to it and put the needle back on the centre of the record. The room filled with the sound of music as Grantaire pulled half smoked cigarette from an ashtray and lit it back up.

 

"Where are you gonna get a gun?"

Grantaire looked up at Enjolras and shrugged,

"Combeferre has one."

"Mm and I'm sure he'd be more than willing to let you play with it."

"So I don't use a gun. Fine. I’ll use something else."

Enjolras looked at him for a moment,

"You need to get out and see people."

"I will see people. I'll see lots of people. And I'll see you, which is all I care about."

"That's all? You're just gone and you think it won't matter? You think people won't care?"

"I don't care Enjolras. I don't care anymore. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I want you here again. I want you. Not memories. Not my imagination....you. I'm tired of living this hell."

"It doesn't mean you kill yourself."

"I'm not killing myself. I'm coming home to you. It's all I want."

Enjolras looked at him.

"I love you Enjolras. And I don't want to live without you anymore. I'm done. I'm done with it all. Please let me go."

He let his head fall back against the headboard. And sighed,

"Just let me go Enjolras."

 

Grantaire laid the pills in front of him in a line and turned back to his bag. He pulled out a bottle of vodka and a smaller bottle of whiskey. He sighed heavily and lit another cigarette before getting up and putting his record player on.

"Grantaire please. Please don't do this."

"I need to."

"No you don't."

He looked up at the man again,

"Yes. I do."

The knock on the door distracted him; he looked over and stood in silence,

"Grantaire? Please open the door."

Grantaire padded over to the door and touched it,

"Grantaire please. Please just let me know you're okay."

He shut his eyes at the sound of Marius' voice. They had come by almost every day. Grantaire had the door on the chain all the time, and since he never left the house anymore no one could get in. It had been two months since Eponine had been there. Now it was Marius.

"Grantaire we miss you. Please let me in."

Grantaire stood silently until he heard Marius sigh.

"I'll come back in the morning. Grantaire?"

He waited a moment longer then heard Marius walking away. Turning back to the living he let out a shaky breath and returned to the sofa. He opened the vodka and drank down as much as he could before gagging.

"Grantaire...."

He took the first pill and downed another gulp, two more pills and another glug. He kept going until he had taken nearly 14 and most of the vodka was gone. He slid from the sofa on to the floor and pulled out his phone. Blinking hard to bring the screen into focus he typed out two words;

"I'm sorry."

He sent it to all in his contacts and took another three pills. His head fell back and he pulled himself up again. Draining the vodka he reached for the whiskey and scooped the remaining pills into his hand. He opened the whiskey and stuffed the pills into his mouth. He drank down a much whiskey as he could hack before dropping his hands. He felt his body slide further until he lay on the floor. He turned his head to see Enjolras beside him.

"You stayed."

"I told you I would."

Grantaire smiled and reached out to touch his face,

"I can feel you."

He coughed and looked at the ceiling.

"Is there a heaven Enjolras?"

"Yes."

"Am I going there?"

The tears formed without him realising and fell down the side of his face, landing in the carpet and soaking it.

"Yes love."

"Are you waiting for me?"

"Always."

Grantaire closed his eyes and smiled as he felt Enjolras lace their fingers together.

"It's time to sleep my love. Go to sleep. I'll wait here for you."

Grantaire felt the urge to sleep take over and squeezed Enjolras' fingers one last time.

"I love you Enjolras."

"I love you Grantaire."

The record player began to jump as the song playing came to an end. The phone on the table vibrated as Grantaire lay beside it. He opened his eyes in time to see the room melt away as he took his last breath.

 

"Psst. Grantaire. Wake up."

He frowned, annoyed at the disturbance of his slumber. The sun on his face disappeared as a shadow covered it; opening his eyes he broke into a smile at the sight of Enjolras leaning over him.

"You've been asleep. Come on."

Grantaire reached out and touched Enjolras' face. He sat up as his hand touched flesh. Enjolras smiled at him as he pressed fingers to his cheeks and kisses to his face and lips.

"You're real."

Enjolras laughed,

"What have you been drinking? Come on let's go before the sun goes down."

"Wait....just..."

He looked at Enjolras for a moment before wrapping his arms around him.

"You okay love?"

Grantaire breathed in his smell and nodded,

"I am now."

Enjolras kissed his head and pulled away. He stood up and reached out for him, Grantaire took his hand and stood as well, he looked behind him at the blanket on the floor.

"What about the others?"

Enjolras smiled at him again,

"They'll be along when they're ready."

Grantaire smiled and gripped Enjolras' hand as they walked toward the rest of the garden.

 

 

 

 


End file.
